Can I help You?
Pat and Mike went fishing. Pat asked Mike if he would carry his fishing gear.
The Mike said, "yes if you really want me to".
When they got to the fishing hole Pat asked Mike if he would bait his line.
The answer was: "yes if you really want me to".
"Would you mind casting for me", asked Pat.
"If you really want me to", was the answer.
A little while later Pat's bobber began to hop.
Mike said, "You've got a fish Pat, reel him in".
Pat asked, "Could you do it for me?"
Mike screamed, "You should get married Pat, settle down and have some kids!"
Pat asked, "Do you know where I can find a pregnant woman?"
What's My Line?
The teacher asked the young students,"Was George Washington a soldier or a sailor?"
One student stood up and said with authority,"He could not have been a sailor. A sailor would have known better than to stand up in a boat!"
Two Cruises or Not To Cruise
At the beauty shop the conversation turned to cruising.
"My husband once won two cruises in a raffle." said a customer.
The beautician said, "That's wonderful! Did you have a good time?"
"No", Said the customer, "He went twice!"
No! - You Get To Go First!
An elderly farmer in Florida had a very nice large pond on his property.
One evening he decided to go down to the pond. He had not been there for a while, and wanted to pick some peaches from the trees lining the pond. He grabbed a five gallon bucket and headed out. As he got near he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. He saw several young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam to a deep part of the pond. The farmer yelled in their direction, "this is private property. Can't you read the signs?"
One of the women shouted back, "We will leave but we are not coming out until YOU leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
That's My Story and I'm Sticking to It!
A preacher was boating towards an island for a special wedding. On the way he was stopped by the marine patrol. After a quick check of the life preservers on board one patrol officer noticed a box with a few bottles in it.
“What's in the bottles, Reverend?” "It's holy water", came the response.
The officer opened one of the bottles. Sniffing it he said, "It smells like wine."
"Hallelujah!" the preacher shouted, "He's done it again!"
Watch Your Lingo!
One foggy night a mother mouse and children climbed off of a boat and were on the wharf searching for food. One of the offspring was suddenly confronted by a large Tomcat from a nearby ship. The mother ran to the defense and started barking and growling like a huge dog. The cat, not knowing what to make of things, ran off into the mist.
She gathered her kids and told them: "Now you understand the importance of a second language!"
Two Men in a Boat Pages
Click on the image
Here's To Your Health
The three fisherman were shocked when an angel appeared in the boat. The angel said, "I would like to do something nice for each of you".
The first fisherman spoke up, " I have suffered with back pain for years". The angel touches the man's back and he felt instant relief.
The second fisherman said, " I am nearly blind without my glasses! The angel took off his glasses and threw them out of the boat. The instant they hit the water the man's eyesight cleared to the point of perfect.
The angel turned towards the third fisherman who was half out of the boat. As he hit the water he cried, "Don't touch me - it took me two year to get on disability!
Can You Fix Me?
The seaman was suffering from a bad cold and begs the Ship's Doctor for some relief.
The Doc prescribed a few pills but after a week the seaman was still ill. So the Doctor gave the seaman several shots with no result.
"Okay, this is what I want you to do, "said the doctor. Go to the the bow of the ship. Take off your shirt and Lean into the freezing mist for thirty minutes.
I'll do it sir but aren't you afraid I'll catch Pneumonia? "Maybe, "said the Doctor, "but at least I know how to cure that!"
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet.
As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.
Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
AVYC would like to apologize for this joke.
Let's Play Pretend!
The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential recruit. To determine the young man's response to looming trouble, the psychiatrist asked, " Imagine looking out the window right now and seeing an enemy battleship coming down the street. What would you do?"
The recruit scoffed, " It's a city street! No ship could make it anywhere near here!
"Come on, use your imagination!" snapped the psychiatrist.
"Okay", said the recruit, "I guess I would sink it with a torpedo.
"And just where would you get the torpedo?", asked the frustrated psychiatrist.
"I imagine I would get it from the same place we got the battleship."
Building a Solid Base!
A sailor, ran aground on a sandbar. A passing fisherman offered to tow the sailor's boat off the bar for fifty dollars and the sailor agreed.
After he was off the bar, the sailor joked that at at $50 a pop the fisherman could make a nice living pulling people off the sandbar day and night.”“
"Can't at night,” replied the fisherman. “At night I haul sand.”
I Met My Match !
After the boat was pulled into the dock, a stunningly beautiful woman disembarked with a parrot on her shoulder.
“Where did you get that?” asked one of the dock hands.
“Met her online,” replied the parrot.
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot." ~
One Step, Two Step, Slide
Two sailors meet each other on a pier.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
One points to his foot and says, "Pearl Harbor, World War II!"
The other points and says, "Seagull crap, 20 feet back!"
Time for Intervention?
A shark enters a drinking establishment in and demands service. The Catfish bartender approached saying, "We don't serve drinks to sharks in here." The lady dogfish at the end of the bar piped in as well; “Get your scaly face out of here!”
The shark became slightly ticked and bit off a large section of table then said, "I want a drink now!" The Catfish calmly said, "I told you, we don't serve drinks to sharks in this bar." The lady dogfish again gives the shark a piece of her mind saying, “Get out you ugly, toothy brute.”
Hearing that made the shark very angry. He went to the end of the bar table and devoured the lady dogfish before she could give him any more lip.
The bartender now said, "Now you have really done it. We absolutely don't serve sharks that do drugs."
In a bit of confusion the shark said, "But I never use drugs!"
To this the Catfish bartender told him, "Yes you do. That was a barbitchyouate."
A German radio operator, while monitoring the emergency channels, heard a distressed voice saying, "we are sinking, we are sinking", The operator keyed the mike and said, "Okay, what are you sinking about?"
This is a joke submitted anonymously but with these instructions; - )
"This joke is funny und you vill like it!"
Late one foggy night two boaters collide head-on while trying to navigate a narrow inlet channel. Both their boats were damaged, disabled and slowly sinking.
As they each watched their boats slowly slip away beneath them, the first boater said " You know, this is a sign that we should never take life for granted and that we should live it to the fullest".
"You are right," said the other boater as he opened a cooler and pulled out a bottle of bourbon whisky. Let's drink to living well for the rest of our lives.
The first boater took the bottle and, after a big swig, handed it back to the other boater who in turn quickly threw it into the river.
More than a little surprised the first boater exclaimed " You didn't take a drink!?"
"Naw", said the other boater "I think I'll just wait for the Coast Guard to show up."
Warning, Warning, Warning!
Posted on the ship's Bulletin board:
Due to the increased reports of excessive alcohol consumption the ship's doctor issues theses warnings.
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering while your shipmates are trying to sleep.
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your shipmates over and over again that you love them.
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that every lover in every port is dying for you to call at four in the morning.
Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think that you can dance and that falling down is part of that process.
Dire Warning: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are actually smarter than the captain.
You're Not Alone Sailor
"Why such long face John?" asked the other seaman.
"I don't know," said John "maybe It's just that we have been at sea for so long and I'm so depressed I cant seem to do anything right. Most of the time I feel so alone and useless!"
Smiling and nodding in an understanding way, the other seaman said, "John, I don't know if this helps but let me assure you; you are not alone. Most of us on the ship feel you're useless too."
One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint.
The crew is missing and believed to be marooned!
Source: Reader's Digest Submitted by Andre Alves-Areias
You Nautical Romantic You!
“Dear Heart, I had a great dream last night about you.”
“Oh? What was I doing?” She asked with a little giggle.
”You were buying me a new boat.”
“How Nice.” Was her cool response, “ Tonight, why don’t you dream up a way to pay for your new boat?
But Things Have Changed Lord!
God, deciding that the Earth had become too wicked again, sent down Noah to build another ark and to again save two of every living thing. “You have six months before I send the great flood.” God said.
Six months later, God called in the thunder and lightning and the rain came. He looked down and found Noah very distraught and with not one plank on the boat’s hull.
“Noah, I have started the storm, why is the boat not finished?”
“There have been some construction delays Lord. First I was told I needed a building permit. Then a group called PETA protested saying that it was inhumane to put all the animals in such a small place. Then I was told that because I lived in a flood plain I could not build the ark there. I told them that building it in a flood plain was exactly the point but that did not impress them. My new location was fine but the EPA had to first do an environmental impact study that held up construction until just yesterday!”
Suddenly the clouds cleared up and a beautiful rainbow crossed the celestial horizon.
“I’m calling you back.” God said.
“aren't you going to destroy the world Lord?" Noah asked.
“What’s the point?” God said. “It looks like someone beat me to it!”
Nautical Dress Code
A boater brings his boat up to a restaurant
dock to eat dinner. The dockhand says,
"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't let you dine here
tonight. This establishment has a necktie policy
for the evening meal and you are not wearing one."
The boater said, "I'm sure I don't have a tie
on my boat!"
The dockhand, not wanting to turn away a
customer, said, "Well, why don't you just
find something that approximates a tie. I'm
sure that will be okay."
After some time, the boater emerged from
his cabin sporting a pair of jumper cables. "Sorry", the boater said," but this is all I
could find to put around my neck."
Sighing, the dockhand said "okay, I'll let
you in with those, but just don't start
Nautical Lingo 1
An ensign on sea duty for the first time overheard
a recruit say he was going downstairs. “Listen, sailor," he snarled, "Downstairs is below, that side is
starboard, that's aft and that's port side. If I ever hear
you say one more civilian word like "downstairs" again I'll throw you
through that little round window over there!"
Nautical Lingo 2
The Steamboat Captain brought his son along on a short
cruise upriver to show him what he does for a living. All
the kid wanted to do was steer the boat. Insisting that his
father taught him enough to handle the job he asked the
pilot to let him take the helm.
"Okay", said the pilot , "but you must pass a small
If I asked you to turn to the left, what nautical term should
I use?" "Turn to Port", said the boy. "Correct", said the pilot.
"If I wanted you to turn the boat to the right, what direction
would that be?" "Starboard", said boy grinning from ear to ear.
"Good for you", said the pilot.
"And straight?" asked the pilot. The boy quickly replied,
" Without ice."
First sailor: "Pass me the chocolate
pudding, would you?"
Second sailor: "No way, Jose!"
First sailor: "Why not?"
Second sailor: "It's against regulations
to help another sailor to dessert!"
Two Step and a Missed Step
Two elderly fishermen, John and Paul, were
out on the lake bright and early one morning.
They sat silently as they fished. Each kept
very still so as not to frighten off any fish.
After six hours, John shifted his feet. Paul
said, "What is it with you? Did you come out
here to fish or dance?"
The captain of the cruise liner fell down the
stairs on to the promenade deck. The cruise
director saw him fall and rushed to his aide. "Captain," he said, " did you miss a step?"
"No," said the captain, " I'm pretty sure I hit
Whatever You Say Sir!
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Sailor was on his first
assignment, and it was guard duty. The Captain stepped out taking his dog for a
walk. The nervous young Seaman snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and
shouted out ," Good Evening, Sir!"
The Captain returned the salute and said "Good evening Seaman, nice night,
isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Sailor wasn't going to disagree
with the Captain, so the he saluted again and replied "Yes Sir!".
Captain continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find
soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Seaman didn't agree, but
then the seaman was just a seaman, and responded " Yes Sir!"
Captain, pointing at the dog and said, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type
of dog to train." The Seaman glanced at the dog and said "
Yes Sir!" The Captain continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Seaman simply
said, "Good trade Sir!"
Trained and Too
It was my first week as
a junior ship's engineer. I've been told that if the alarm rings, we should
rush towards the muster station to escape immediately.
One day I was
sleeping after a full day of work. Suddenly I heard the alarm and immediately
realized I needed to escape. I quickly put on my life jacket and started running
in a panic. On the next deck, I saw the cadet walking casually . He asked me
why I was running.
I told him that the ship is in danger and I want to
escape. He said, "Oh! You want to escape?" " Why are trying to jump off the
boat? You can "escape" using the gangway." (I forgot the ship was berthed....
the alarm was just being tested).
S.Ganesh, Velur,Tamilnadu. India.
A sailor was
marooned on a deserted island for 20 years.
He was finally rescued by
a merchant marine ship. As the sailor was packing his meager belongings the
captain of the ship asked, "I noticed you have built four huts. You are the
only person on the island. What are they for?"
"Well", said the sailor,
"this one is my residence, the second is my church and that third is my
micro brewery where I make coconut beer."
"That's very interesting",
said the captain, " but, what about the fourth hut?" Oh", said the sailor,
"That's the church I belonged to before I started drinking Coconut Beer."
A Boat, a Lady and One Dead
A lady on a cruise
bought a parrot on an island stop and took it back to the ship. After two days
at sea the lady found her new friend laying on its back - feet pointed straight
She hailed the ship's doctor, "Please help my friend," wailed the
lady. "I'm sorry the bird is quite dead" said the doc. "No, no..it can't be",
cried the lady.
The doctor called in his own pet, a Labrador
retriever, which sniffed the bird, shook his head and walked out.
Next, the doctor called in his cat which carefully walked a circle around
the bird and walked out.
"No doubt about it ", said the doctor, "That
is a dead bird."
The doctor reached for his pen and pad. He wrote out
a bill and handed it to the lady. "Eight Hundred dollars!?" cried the lady.
"That's Correct! I'm charging you for three procedures. There is my opinion,
a lab report and a cat scan."
Long Time No See!
There's a knock at the
front door. A man opens it and looks down to find a snail sitting on the stoop.
He picks up the little critter and throws it as far as he can.
years later, there's a knock. The man opens the door, looks down and there sits
the same snail.
The snail looks up and says, " Okay, what was that all about!?"
Drew Carey, (Dirty Jokes and Beer)
And You Must be
Pat says to the Mike,
"Where did you get that shiner? It's a dozy! "
Mike said, "Do you
know that cute women who is a nurse at the infirmary?"
"Why yes I
do", said Pat, "she is quite the looker! The word is that there has been
some hanky -panicky between you and her. I also know that her husband just got
back from sea duty!!"
"That, my friend, is a little piece of information I
could have used BEFORE I decided to visit her apartment, take a shower and when
the bathroom door opened, jump out yelling surprise!!"
The lonely bachelor wrote
to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential
mate and would not accept anyone who falls below his standards. He went on to
explain that the candidate should be cute and short, who enjoys water sports, is a
team player and who enjoys group activities.
He received an envelope
the following week. It it was a picture of a penguin.
A Few Good
Getting a new
girlfriend is a little like joining the Navy. You clean up, get a haircut, buy new
cloths and any important information will be given to you strictly on a need to
Things you won't hear a true
I've never caught a fish that big!"
-"Hey! Let's take our wives fishing!"
-"My truck can't get through that!"
-"Let's go shopping, fishing can
-"Hank, those hip boots make your butt look big and they don't match
-"Hey, we don't need to buy those fishing flies Melvin, let's
send our wives flowers instead?"
-"I don't think Duct Tape will fix that."
-"I caught all those rainbows on night crawlers."
-"I feel pretty guilty
not washing those breakfast dishes before coming out here to fish!"
somebody come land this 20" rainbow for me. I need to straighten up the camp."
-"I can't participate in National Hunting and Fishing Day cause my neighbor
is throwing a Tupperware party and I really need a mixing bowl."
electronic fish finders should be banned."
-"Come on , man - we can watch bass
fishing anytime! Figure skating's on!!"
-"We gotta throw this fish back, I
don't think it will fit in the frying pan."
Submitted by Member
Phil of Bethel Island, CA
This one comes to us from Member Bart!
Years ago, in
Reader's Digest, was an article about the old diesel submarines. As the story goes,
the boat was headed out to sea from Pearl Harbor when the Captain yells to a
green seaman on the bow to "house the anchor". The seaman understood the
captain was saying "How is the anchor?" So the seaman responded, "The anchor is
After several attempts to get the seaman to understand, the
frustrated Captain said, "Oh hell let it go!" At which time the seaman knocks
the chock out of the anchor chain. The anchor and 600 fathoms of chain roars
out of the boat and when it reaches the end, takes out the bulkhead.
Glad to Ear
A young Naval officer was
in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of
his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained
in the Navy and eventually rose to the rank of Admiral. He was, however, very
sensitive about his appearance.
One day the new Admiral was
interviewing three people for the position of his personal aide. The first
officer was an accomplished submariner, and it was a great interview. At the
end the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The
young officer answered, "Why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have
no ears." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a female Squadron Supply Officer, and she
was even better than the first officer, and with a better file. The Admiral
asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She
replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The Admiral threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Navy Chief Petty Officer. He was
articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the other two
officers combined. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same
question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the
Chief said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses." The Admiral was very impressed
and thought, what an incredibly observant Chief Petty Officer, and he didn't
mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the Admiral asked.
The sharp-witted Chief replied, "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses
with no ears!"
by Member Larissa from Kingston Canada!
Indubitably My Good Watson,
Pass the Bate!
and Matthew Watson were on a fishing trip. They had gone night fishing and were
lying on the deck, lines in the water looking up at the sky. Holmes said,
"Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what
does that mean to you?" "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day
tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "Well, to me, it means someone has
stolen our Bimini top!"
Age is a State Of Mind...I
The captain of the
whaler found himself in need of a lookout on short notice. The ship was
scheduled to return to the hunt the next day and the owner of the whaler was
very demanding and unpleasant when disappointed.
The captain put out the
word that a sharp-eyed lookout was needed and any candidates should report to
the ship that evening at 1700 hours sharp.
At the appointed time the
captain arrived on deck finding only one candidate onboard; a very old looking
man. "How old are you?", asked the captain.
" I'm eighty years old last
November and I have the sharpest eyes in town." said the old man. "Is that
so?", laughed the captain. Knowing he could not read it himself, he said, "Tell
me old man what does that sign say on the dock across the bay?"
man said, " No fishing by order of the constable." The captain was shocked when
he verified it using his telescope. That was exactly what the sign
"Well, that's all well and good", said the captain, "but you'll
never be able to get to the crow's-nest being a man of advanced years. "With
that the old man took off and traversed up the mast, slapped the crow's-nest
and returned to the deck in front of a totally shocked captain. "You're hired!"
yelled the captain, "I have never been so impressed with a seaman than I am with you on
this day. Report for duty, ready to ship out at dawn."
The next morning
after the old man had reported for duty, the ship's helmsman and harpooner
visited the captain's cabin and expressed concern about the captain's new hire.
"He's an old man", said the harpooner, "he'll never see the whales and I'll not
know where to aim!" "Yes", said the helmsman, "and he must be too feeble to
climb the mast to give me a heading to steer!" "Fear not", said the captain, "
That old man is one of the best candidates for lookout I have ever seen. He'll
do just fine."
The whaler was out on the very next day and ready for
action when the shout came from the crow's-nest, "Whaaaaale Ho!". Excitedly the
captain yelled, " Great job lookout, in what direction does the whale swim?"
There was no answer. Again the captain yelled, " what direction should the
helmsman steer?" After a pause the answer came back,..... " I
I'm not saying that
Paul and John failed to properly clean up after their regular boating trips but
the local restaurant that they frequented, started getting reservations
requesting the "No Fishing" section!
A Pool for My
The rich tycoon bought a
luxury yacht for his only daughter upon her graduation.
It was large
and even had its own onboard pool. The tycoon dad brought the daughter aboard
for the first time for a tour of the boat. The last thing to see was the pool.
All around the pool were shirtless ship construction workers finishing
up some painting.
The daughter clasped her hands and screeched, " Oh,
daddy it's a wonderful pool and you've even stocked it for me!"
boater, a tugboat crewman, and an old salt sailor went into a bar and each
ordered a beer. Each found a fly in their beer. (It must have been the special
of the day).
The recreational boater looked in his beer and said, "hey
bartender I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer."
crewman looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in an picked it out and
The old salt sailor looked in his beer, saw the
fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out,
Spit it out!"
Submitted by Members Gail and Bobby. To the couple we offer our
best AVYC Wave!
The captain was lining
up his sextant when a shooting star streaked across the sky. Observing this, the
helmsman said to the captain, "Nice shot sir!"
Your Time is
Not My Time
A boat painter was
awarded the job of painting a small sail boat and when he was asked by the
owner, how long it would take him to finish the job, he replied, "Two weeks".
Three weeks went by and the owner, a little concerned of the delay,
confronted the painter. "Hey Paul", said the owner, "You told me that it would
take you two weeks to paint my boat and its been three weeks....What's up with
that?" The painter put his paintbrush down, looked the owner square in the eye
and said, "That was two NAUTICAL weeks, like a nautical mile, they're a little
Submitted by Paul S of Kailua
One morning John
noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home
since the ship sank six months ago.
As the object came closer, he
realized that it was a large barrel. He very soon thereafter realized that
hanging on to the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Arriving on shore the woman
left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards John. She whispered
into John's ear, " I have something you want!"
John broke into a dead
run towards to breaking waves yelling, "Don't tell me you've got beer in that
The woman quickly
realized that the large wave had unceremoniously dispatched the top part of her
bikini into the deep.
More than a little embarrassed, she clasped her arms
across her chest and made a dash for her car. She could sense everyone gawking
at her along the way.
Upon entering the parking lot a little boy, who
was following his mother to the beach asked, pointing to her arms, "Are you carrying puppies in
Not wanting to explain what had really
happened, the woman replied, " Why yes, yes they are. She quickly moved on but
heard the boy shout after her, "If you're giving them away I'll take the one
with the pink nose!"
A bum, who
obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approached a well dressed
gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The
well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are
you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to
throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't
gamble," answers the bum. "
You wouldn't waste the money for fishing
gear, flies, boots or rods, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with
him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly.
While they are
heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't
your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what
happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or gamble''
Sent in by our friends at
Adventures Thailand and also by Member Jean!To both we send
our best AVYC Wave!
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