Did You Forget
Something?
A
child was playing on the beach when a tidal wave came in and swept him into the
water. . Ever alert, the lifeguard dove into the water and fought through the
swells. After one last giant effort he reached the child. Holding the child
securely, he swam back to shore.
The child's mother rushed to them. She
kissed her most precious son then turned to the exhausted lifeguard and said, "
Where's his hat?"
You've Got
Mail!
Bill sent an email to his wife saying that he would be coming home
from his five day fishing trip one day early. Arriving home he found his wife
with another man. Upset he left and got a room at a hotel to plan his next
step. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.
" Bill" she said, "I checked with my daughter and as I expected there is a
perfectly good explanation for this whole episode."
" OK" said Bill, "
what is it?" The mother-in -law said, " She never got your email!"
Schnooked
over Snook
A
game warden stopped a man with two buckets of fish . He asked the man, " Do you
have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied, " No sir - Don't
need one. These are my pet fish."
" Pet fish?!" the warden asked.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let
them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets,
and I take them home."
" That's crazy! Fish can't do that!" said the
warden.
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said,
" It's not crazy, I'll show you."
" O. K." said the warden, " do it!" !"
The man quickly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said " Well?"
" Well, what?" the man responded.
" Well, when are you going to
call them back?" the game warden asked.
" Call who back?" the man
asked.
" The FISH!" yelled the warden.
" What fish?" the man
asked.
What a
Mess
The sailors were chowing down while the cook was bragging to a
couple of other sailors, " My best dishes are meat loaf and peach
cobbler.
Over hearing that comment, one sailor asked, " That's great, which
is this?"
Food for
the Dog
The cook was yelling in the galley as the first mate came in. "
What's wrong cook?" said the first mate. The cook explained that the ship's
mascot, a dog, had eaten one of his chicken pot pies. " That's serious" , said
the first mate, " but don't worry, we can get another dog!"
RSVP
Please
The cruise ship was well underway when ship security found the
stowaway in the cargo hold. "The Coast Guard will arrest you and take your
butt back to port", said the officer. The stowaway begged him to be kind. "
I'm going to my daughter's wedding . I have no money for a ticket. Won't you please let me
stay?"
Against his better judgment the officer agreed to let the man
stay provided he keep out of site. On the way out of the hold he tripped over
another stowaway! The second stowaway said, " Don't look at me. He invited me
to the wedding!"
A doctor, a dentist and an attorney were in a boat together when a
wave came along and washed them all overboard. Unable to get back into the
boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat and the third would swim to
shore for help.
They noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them
and land. Without a word the lawyer took off! As he swam the sharks move aside.
The dentist yelled, " it's a miracle!"
" No" , said the doctor, " That's
professional courtesy!"
Thanks a Lot
Honey!
The new bride was
very shy and on her honeymoon cruise. Before they checked in for their deluxe
honeymoon cabin, she asked her husband to please not to tell anyone that they
were newlyweds.
The next morning
the couple were seated at the captain's table. She noticed that everyone was
staring at her. She whispered to her husband, " I asked you not to tell anyone
that we were newlyweds!" The groom said " I didn't, I told them that we were
just good friends!"
The Lucky
Traveler
Two weary diplomats (a man and a woman) who have never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an overnight ferry from
Stockholm to Helsinki. After finding out that no other accommodations could be
made, they agreed that they were both professional diplomats and capable of
getting past the man woman thing. They decided to simply go to sleep, the man
in the upper berth and the woman in the lower berth.
In the middle of
the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother
you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over
and get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her
eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are
married."
The man , more than a little surprised at the turn of events
but very agreeable to the idea winks and says, " OK, that sounds great!"
The woman says " Good...get your own blanket"
Some Old
Habits Die Hard!
The navy admiral retired and hired his orderly of over twenty five
years to come with him. The admiral told the orderly that even though he would
now work for him personally, his duties would be exactly the same as they were
in the navy.
On the first morning of the admiral's retirement the
orderly came into the admiral's room and woke him. Then the orderly slapped the
admiral's sleeping wife on the behind saying, " Okay, honey, it's back onshore
for you!"
Growing a
Boat
A
woman was complaining to a friend that her husband was always repainting their
wood boat.
The friend
asked, " How many times could he have painted the boat? Twice? Three
times?
The wife
said, " A lot more than that! When we bought the boat it was a nineteen foot
speed boat. It's now a twenty-one foot cruiser!"
These are
Taxing Times
Then there was the fellow who got in trouble with the IRS for
deducting flood damage to his home on his tax return.
The government
found out he lived on a houseboat!
  
Food For
Thought
The
captain was explaining to the visiting Boy Scout Troop the different animals
that live in that particular Louisiana river basin. They were an inquisitive
group, testing the captain's patience.
The topic came to alligators
and the captain went into great detail hoping to forestall any stupid
questions. Pleased with the result of his logical approach he finished with the
alligator's mating habits. The captain explained, " The female alligator lays
four million eggs at one time. The male alligator eats three million, three
hundred and ninety-five of those eggs. And that concludes our tour!."
" Sir" , asked one of the scouts, "why does the female alligator
lay so many eggs? Upset that his resent " No Question" period had ended the
captain said as calmly as possible, "That's simply nature sonny. "And sir" ,
the scout continued, " why does the male alligator eat all those
eggs?
The captain's answer came quickly, " Because, if he didn't ,
we'd all be up to our asses in alligators!"
Keep Your
Eye Out for Trouble!
It was an aggressive poker game on the riverboat. The stakes were
high and the one eyed man was winning big and often. The game went on for hours
and the losers were getting very frustrated.
The age had long past when
gamblers settled their disputes on the river by fighting. It was the time of
the gentleman riverboat gambler to be otherwise was considered bad form!
Slowly standing, one of the gentlemen gamblers in a slow low tone said,
"Far be it for me gentlemen to cast dispersions on any one person here.
Understand gentlemen, I am not accusing anyone of cheating. The fact that
I'm loosing my shirt is not one person's fault. However, if I lose one more
hand because anyone decides to cheat, I swear gentlemen, I'll shoot out his
other eye!"
How
Troll!
A
priest was walking along the beach when he came upon two locals pulling another
man ashore on the end of a rope. " That's what I like to see," expressed the
priest. "Man helping his fellow man!"
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other,
" The Father sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing, does he ?!"
The Oldest
Captain
A
reporter was interviewing a Tugboat Captain who was celebrating his 82nd
birthday. He was the oldest captain on the river. At the end of the interview
the reporter said, " I would love to come back and see you again when you reach
90.
The captain said, " Don't see why not. You look healthy enough to
make it !"
Those Techy
Insects
Their first father and son fishing trip had ended late in the day.
The son was
explaining his experience to his mother.
"Dad said that the only
things biting were the mosquitoes." Then, referring to the fireflies that came
out later, he exclaimed, "when it got dark the mosquitoes started coming at us
with little flashlights!"
The Staff
of Life
The
mess officer was upset because the sailors were not eating his bread. Some of
the sailors complained that the bread was too hard. The officer said, "if the
mayflower crew on their voyage had that bread, they would have eaten it down to
the last crumb."
A young sailor said," I believe that, sir but this
bread was fresher then!"
It Takes a
Gator!
A
visitor from England while sitting at the dinner table of his Louisiana
relative was informed, " Yup, we use alligator to make all our shoes and
handbags" .
Impressed, the visitor wrote home that evening, " Dearest Love,
Clyde and Verna are a very nice couple and have a very nice home. But there is
something quite extraordinary. You won't believe what they can get alligators
to do!"
Help
Please!
It was the worst rainstorm of the century. Half of the valley was
gone. Agitated, a man called an already overworked flood hot line worker. "
Help me, I'm standing in two feet of water!"
The hot line worker said,"
I'm sorry sir but two feet of water does not constitute a flood emergency
around here."
" Well it does around here" , yelled the man, " I'm
calling from the fourth floor!"
Me
Change?...I Don't Think So!
"Hi captain how's the fishing been lately?" asked the
local barfly.
"Well mate, I'll tell ya. I lost $5000 last month and $10,000
the month before that. I owe the bank more than I'll ever be able to pay back
and half my crew left me because I haven't paid them in over a month."
" Blimey" , said the barfly, " why don't you sell your boat and get
out?"
"That's crazy!" , said the captain, " I've got to make a living
don't I?"
Tight
Quarters
It
was the couples first cruise and the husband was less than excited about their
economy size cabin. Picking up the phone and dialing he said, " Is this room
service?"
"Yes",
came the answer from the other end."
" Good" , said the husband, " send me up a room!"
Absent on
Account of..
An elderly gentleman came to the docked navy ship to see his
grandson Ensign Walker. After he approached the guard stationed at the gangway, the gaurd asked for the
officer on duty. "This man is here to see Ensign Walker", explained the guard.
The officer on duty told the gentleman that Ensign Walker was not
available and that he was on leave. Disappointed the grandfather left.
The guard commented to the officer that it was too bad that the ensign
missed his grandfather. " Well he certainly will be surprised" , said the
officer, "The reason he gave on the request for the leave was to attend his
that man's funeral."
The
Fast-Track to Success!
The commercial fisherman's daughter married a young man who didn't
seem to be qualified to do anything. Concerned that the young man could not
adequately care for his daughter, the father gave his new son-in-law half
ownership in his very profitable fishing business.
One evening the
fisherman, pleased with his own magnanimous gesture that assured his daughter's
future, asked the young man if there was anything else he could do to help out
the newlyweds. The young man said, " No thanks dude! I'm thinking of selling
out and retiring!"
A novice fisherman was lost. Maneuvering his Jon
Boat close to another fisherman's boat he shouted, " Excuse me sir, I promised
my wife that I would be home on time and I'm afraid I don't know where I am.
Can you help me?"
The other fisherman replied, " Sure, You are on a
lake. You're in a Jon boat with a 20 HP gas outboard motor. You are between 35
and 36 degrees north latitude and between 80 and 81 degrees west longitude in
about 18 feet of water."
"You must be a republican," said the
novice.
" I am and proud of it," said the other fisherman. " How did
you know?"
" Well, "answered the novice, "everything you've told me
may be technically correct, but certainly not responsive to the intent of my
question and my current need. I have no idea what to make of what you just said
and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at
all and now I'm going to be late getting home!"
The other fisherman
responded. "You must be a democrat."
"I am and proud of it," replied
the novice, " but how did you know
that?"
"Well, "said the other
fisherman, "you don't know where you are or how to get where you want to go.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve
your problem. The fact is you were lost and in danger of being late getting
home before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Reflecting on
the Past
An old sea captain
was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down.
The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green,
red, orange, blue, and yellow.
After a while the
young man noticed that the captain was staring at him. "What's the matter
old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old captain
replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you
were my son!"
©2000
MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer Yacht Club®
Daddy
Who?
Sailing
from Island to Island in the Bahamas was a dream come true for the Walker
family. At one of the many stops five year old Paula asked her mother, "What
was the name of the last Island we visited?"
Her mother, busy with
stowing a sail said, " I'm not sure dear, is it important?"
"Maybe" , said Paula, " I'm thinking it might be.
"Why do you think so?",
asked her Mother.
" Because that's where Daddy got left behind!"
©2000 MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer
Yacht Club®
Close
Enough!
The
Ship's Cook and the First Mate were in the process of interviewing a potential
Assistant Cook candidate. Wanting to make sure that the ship's store would be
in good hands and not wasted, they devised a test.
They asked the
candidate, "If you had to make breakfast for six sailors and only had three
eggs in the galley, how many more eggs would you have to pull from the ship's
store?"
"Three", said the candidate.
The cook turned to the first mate and whispered, " He'll do
fine. He only missed it by two!"
©2003
MyBoatClub.Com / All Volunteer Yacht Club®
That's
It!#*@!%#+& @
The sailor walked into the galley and poured himself a cup of
coffee. As he sipped it , he looked out the porthole and said, " It looks like
rain."
Upset the cook yelled at the sailor, "For the last time, it's coffee!" ©2000 MyBoatClub.Com /
All Volunteer Yacht Club®
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