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NAUTICAL JOKE PAGE 5Enjoy all our Jokes, Cartoons and Funny Stories |
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| I Learned from Noah's Ark One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. ! It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were onboard with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. NOW, wasn't that nice? Pass it along and make someone else smile, too. A special thanks to Member Garry !
At dinner during the cruise a man who had earned his reputation among the crew as an obnoxious snob was being served by a waiter named Paul. Unfortunately, Paul managed to splash some wine on the table. The man stood, faced the waiter and shouted, "You're not fit to serve a pig!" Paul , giving into temptation responded, "You're absolutely right sir and I do apologies. I'm in "Pig Serving Training" and in that regard, you're really helping me improve my skills."
Two sailors after a wild night found that there was some disagreement as to the actual events. To settle the argument and the wager that ensued, they searched out the only convent in town. Upon their arrival, they asked the Mother Superior if the convent had any midget nuns. Shocked the Mother Superior suggested that they return directly to their ship for none of her sister nuns were midgets and she found no humor in their question. Leaving the convent one sailor exclaimed to his smirking friend, " I can't believe it. I spent the whole night dancing with a penguin?!"
"So, what's the matter? I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband." "Oh, everything went wrong: First he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish. Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon. All that might have been all right; but then, to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
A tourist stopped off in a small New England fishing village. At a roadside stand he looked over some lobsters for sale. He said to the stand owner, " They are very small." The stand owner said. " "I guess" However, the man's appetite got the better if him, he ordered two lobsters and had them boiled in the cauldron in the stand. As he started to eat them, the tourist said, " These lobsters are tasteless!" The stand owner responded, "Good thing they're small."
A local priest and a rabbi were fishing on a bank on the side of a road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?" Submitted by a Great Member, Bill M 
A small New England town lobster boat owner was asked, "Why do you folks have more lobsters than people in this state?" The boat owner said, " Prefer 'em!"
A small child slipped and fell overboard. A man swooped over the rail of the liner into the water and saved the child. Coming back on board, the man who had saved the child was cheered by the other passengers. The captain asked the man, "What can we do for you?" The man said, "You can tell me who pushed me overboard?!"
A charter sailing vessel with a load of politicians was halfway to the Bahamas when a freak storm hit the boat. Several of the passengers were thrown overboard and drowned. After the retrieval of the bodies and with the knowledge that the rest of them may not be rescued for some time, if ever, the deceased were buried at sea. Three days later, the local Coast Guard found the damaged craft. Upon boarding, the Coast Guard Captain asked, "Is everyone okay?" The Captain of the damaged vessel explained that he had a few passengers fall overboard. The Coast Guard Captain asked, "Are they all dead?" The other captain replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."
At this the Captain of the Maiden Mist
saw an opportunity to gain the upper hand.
After a very sucessful fishing trip, a huge shipment of sardines was warehoused. Because the warehouse bill wasn't paid, the warehouse owner sold the sardines to a friend. As word came out that the price of fish was about to skyrocket, the warehouse owner, correcting his mistake, bought back the sardines at a higher price. This began an endless round of buying and selling, with the price going higher and higher. After the tenth transaction between the two men, the friend thought it might be a good idea to sample the merchandise and see what they had. A can was opened. The sardines were dreadful-bony, skimpy, and drenched in an acrid oil. The friend, upset, told the warehouse owner, who responded, "Look, these sardines aren't for eating. They're for buying and selling! "
If you have two people in a boat slapping at each other with the oars, what is it called? (Answer) Rowed Rage
The Anchorage Alaska fishing boat crew decided they were going to have some fun with the new rookie crew member so they came up with a three-step initiation. Anxious to become one of the guys the rookie asked what he'd have to do. "Three things," he was told. "You've got to drink a quart of straight whiskey, hug an Eskimo girl for three hours without her parents catching you, and shoot a full-grown grizzly bear." The new crewmate immediately downed the whiskey and set out into the cold night with a wild look in his eyes. Three hours later he was back, his clothes torn and scratches all over his body. "Okay, okay!" he reported. "Where's that Eskimo girl I'm supposed to shoot?"
Returning from a trip overseas on a giant ocean liner, Markowitz was placed at a table with another man. The man, a Frenchman, nodded and said, "Bon appetit." Markowitz nodded back and said, "Markowitz" For several days the ritual was repeated. One afternoon, Markowitz mentioned it to another passenger. The other passenger said, "It's not what you think. 'Bon appetit' is the French way of telling you to enjoy your meal.' At dinner that evening, Markowitz came in, nodded, and said, "Bon appetit." The Frenchman rose and answered, "Markowitzi"
The new cook was nervous when he heard that he was serving the captain this week! An experienced cook told the new cook "He loves food and your service is very important, but most of all he loves bread. You'll know you're in real trouble if he starts rhyming." Wanting to make a good first impression the new cook, on the first day, brought the captain two very thick slices of bread with the meal, which the captain devoured. He told the cook "The food was good and your service on time, but I must have more bread to grade a meal fine." The next day the cook brought the captain four slices of bread and was surprised to receive the same response! "The food was good and your service on time, but I must have more bread to grade a meal fine." The day after that, six slices were placed before the captain. The captain still complained and what was most annoying, he was still rhyming! Finally, anxious to please the captain, the cook took a GIANT loaf of bread, cut it in half, and placed it before the captain. The captain looked at the bread then the cook and said, "The food looks fine but I fear we have a crisis, your bread service has slipped by going back to two slices!"
The First Mate was in a rare mood as he finished drilling the crew. He barked out a final order: "All right, you idiots, fall out!" The men fell out, but one sailor stood firm. The sailor stared as the First Mate and smiled. "There were a lot of them weren't there sir?
The owner of new 40 ft. yacht invited his only sister to go for a three day cruise. Going directly to the dock from the airport the sister and her luggage arrived a little earlier than expected. The brother, upon arriving and seeing her luggage said, " you should have warned me, I would have bought a bigger boat!"
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