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NAUTICAL JOKE PAGE 4Enjoy all our Jokes, Cartoons and Funny Stories |
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Sit, Roach"Hi sailor", said the barmaid, "you look like you're a little down." "That I am lassie", said the sailor, " It saddens me to say that I serve under a very tough Captain!" "That's a shame sweety, how bad does it get ?" "Well lassie, recently I complained that there were roaches in me bunk. The captain gave me three demerits for keep'n pets!"
I am what I amAs a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore. As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?" The captain said, " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth......."
I Am What I Am...honest!The Ship's doctor was interviewing a sailor who was, apparently, trying to get a medical discharged from the navy. "What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor. "I believe I am a dog, woof - woof", responded the sailor. "I see.", said the doctor, eyebrows raised, "How long has this been going on?" "Ever since I was a puppy!"
You Want to go Where?A man approached a overworked travel agent and said, "I want to buy a cruise line ticket to Norwald." The ticket agent quickly search his destination book, "Norwald? Let me find that. Hmm... Let me see... Norwald. That sound familiar but I don't see Norwald listed." The travel agent in a sweat excused himself and disappeared into a back office. Upon returning and more than a little flustered he said, "I-I-I can't fa-fa-find it on the map, just where in the heck i-i-is Norwald, anyway?" To that the man responded, "In the car. He's my brother-in-law."
Your Bait is not My BaitThe other man said, "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good, you see I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that the human tonsil works very well as bait. The next day, John returned to the lake and, just as the day before, he had no luck. There was a different man nearby having a great time catching fish. John approached the man and asked "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" "Well, I can tell you but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and I am using a bit of human appendix as bait." John left, thinking this was all very strange but vowed he would give the lake just one more try. On the third day, John still had no luck. As usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish after fish. John needed to confirm what he, by now, already knew. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" The other man looked around acting a little embarrassed. "Well, I can tell you but it will do you no good . "Don't tell me," said John "your a doctor". "No," said the man, " I'm a Rabbi."
Talk About Garrulous!On the fourth morning, the man and his wife were standing at the bow of the ship when a lurch caused the wife to fall overboard. A crew member, seeing her bobbing up and down in the water, ran to the husband and said, "Sir, your wife has fallen overboard! The husband said, " Oh thank God, I thought I had just gone deaf! ____________________________________________________________________________ **gar·ru·lous adj. 1. Given to excessive and often trivial or rambling talk; tiresomely talkative. 2. Wordy and rambling: a garrulous speech. [From Latin garrulus, from garrºre, to chatter.] --gar“ru·lous·ly adv. --gar“ru·lous·ness n.
Time and Time AgainThe doctor was more than a little surprised and said, "That was a long time ago!" The first mate said. " Tell me about it doc. It's already 1300 hours on the day after." 
Two Blondes in a Boat...Almost!The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!" A special thanks to Member Bill from Wilmington MA for this joke. My wife also said it was fine. She is a blonde ...most of the time....OK, I'll be leaving home now!
Old Beyond His YearsFrom the dock the woman
watched as the salty old tugboat captain skillfully docked his boat. She was
impressed that such an old man would still be doing such a tough job. She
decided to wait until the captain disembarked. As he did, she asked him,"
Captain, what is your secret to leading such a long and productive
life?"
"Well," he said. "I would have to say it's because I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky every week, eat a lot of fatty foods and I never exercise. Wow, that's amazing," the woman said. "exactly how old are you?" He answered, "Thirty-one"
Coffee, Tea or ????The cook grabbed the cup, took a sip, made a face and said, "No wonder. I gave you tea!"
Two Step Fishing
One Step at a Time!The captain of the
cruise liner fell down the stairs on to the promenade deck. The cruise director
saw him fall and rushed to his aid. "Captain," he said, " did you miss a
step?"
"No," said the captain," I'm pretty sure I hit every one!  Two Men in a Boat Pages Crab Legs Anyone?An experiment took
place on a student science research boat. A young student was studying a crab.
In order to understand better the crab's motor capabilities, he tore off two
walking legs and placed a piece of tasty bait in front of the crab. The crab
crawled to the bait and devoured it. He then tore off two more legs and again
placed some bait on front of the crab. Once again the crab crawled to the bait
and ate it.
Finally the student removed the last two walking legs and again placed the bait. The crab, this time, never moved. The student, very excited, reported his initial findings to his instructor. "If all of a crustacean's legs are removed it either loses it's eye site or appetite; more information to come!"
Big Bad John!Paula clasped her hands together, Oh John," she shrieked, " it's doing it!!"
Boater's Blessing Then.... & Then This!May there always be water under your boat, May she always be seaworthy, ever afloat, May the bilge pump be certain to work night and day, May the compass and charts always show the safe way, May you find gentle harbor as every day ends, May you lower your anchor amidst peace and good friends. A Boater's Blessing Today According to Member Steve Madden: May your out drive be saved after hitting that rock, May your bow be rebuilt after ramming that dock, May you find that new Rolex that fell overboard, May your neighbor quit stealing your slip's power cord, May FeBreeze mask that musty smell under your berth, May you someday owe less than the damn boat is worth. ©2001 Steve Madden / Printed with permission of author. Thanks Steve very much..Good work! Jim Original work submitted by Steve Madden. For reprint requests please use the "Contact Us" link on our home page. We will pass it on.
  
The Beach is Now OpenReturning the next day for more sun, the man happened to arrive at low tide. Looking around he said to the lifeguard, "You've been doing a lot of business!"
And the Winner is..."Good," said the man, "now go back to the kitchen and bring me the winner!"
To Punt Oar Not to Punt!The rower became furious and answered sharply, " They're not 'ores! They're my two sisters!"
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